He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
