Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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