Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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