I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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