She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
bring money and cleavage
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
