I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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