You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
