my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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