No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
