he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
