Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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