new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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