She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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