My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
