Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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