a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
