Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
