I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
