dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
