It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
How does it feel to date your dad?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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