I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
