Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
