Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
