i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
