did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize