I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
