I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
