I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
