so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
