I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
