my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize