Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
