Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
