Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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