I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
