I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
