if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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