New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize