ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
