so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
