She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
