This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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