I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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