quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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