Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
