she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
