I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
