If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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