I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
