She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
