You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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