i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Is Oprah even human
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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