The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
