I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize