is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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