Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
