I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize