I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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